Emre had a schooltest. He became first of his class. He made one mistake, mixed up east and west. I was a bit surprised about that as one of his favorite toys is a compass. I asked him about it, wanting to help him if he had a hard time remembering what is where. Our short conversation ended with him shouting: I was number one in the class, isn't that enough for you?
I have a lot of difficulties in connecting with my son. My "good intentions" are often received with defense or attack. And then I in turn have a hard time to stay connected, to keep seeing a boy who is desperately trying to meet his needs. I want to connect and help him and interpret his defense or attack as rejection.
But after this last conversation I managed to break through that cycle for a couple of minutes. And that was enough to make me curious. What I saw on that moment was a boy who was confused by his teachers' explanation when she used the left hand for west and the right hand for east. The compass in the test was upside down so left hand equals west was not accurate in this picture. I saw that he was in fact frustrated and confused that he did try it the way the teacher described and that it turned out to be the wrong answer! I also realized that beneath his angry and hostile words lies fear and hurt. That his behavior is only a way to mask how he really feels!
Taking a deep breath I am about to try to find out about the needs of my boy. I have to take a deep breath because the words that he uses make me feel sad, helpless, powerless and frustrated. I do SO much my best to make them feel loved and happy. I give him a lot of computer time (food for another blog!) and when I ask him to close it he says: you never let me play or I am never able to finish a game... I find myself in a place where I always do it wrong. And it looks like all those feelings of sadness, frustration, powerlessness and helplessness get automatically translated to HURT which opens the doors for all my Jackals ^-^: he should be thankful for what he has! why doesn't he see he can play so much, much more then other kids, why can't he just close that computer without nagging for once, he is such a whiner. And from there it is so hard to not listen to those Jackals, the feeling of being right feels so right. And it is so painful that I even start writing about it when I had the intention to write empathy for my son! Which means that I cannot go to him until I gave myself empathy. Oh, how I am longing for the moment where he would say that he sees and appreciates all my efforts in trying to help them to find their way in this world. Now I am getting somewhere: because the world is a big and scary place for me where I my words always get interpreted wrong! Yes, I am so afraid that they are not able to cope with the world once they grow up and I am desperately trying to make them see and work on their "problem" behavior. Because I am not able to control those "problem" behaviors myself after being in this world for 42 years! And those behaviors are exactly the ones that get me into trouble all the time, make me loose my control and do and say things I regret later. In the heat of the moment I say things like: they are wrong, or look how they interpret my words in the wrong way, they are doing this to me. And hearing my son say the same is so frightening.
Jackal starts interrupting here saying that I really did a great job messing up my son, what a teacher I am! Oh yes, scared I ruined him for life. He took my behavior as an example. But then I see my other boy who is not like that at all. And I can give myself a bit compassion: I am doing the best I can, look I am doing my best to transform it! And from that comes the balm: So you can just continue being his teacher by showing him your transformation. If he really learned it from you, he will unlearn it with you.
That feels empowering, that he can unlearn it with me. That we both have the choice to look at it in a different way.
Somehow I just feel like wanting to explore Emre's needs now, I am making progress!
I wonder if he is not just like me just stuck in his reactions... automatic response to whatever looks like it is going to make him feel uncomfortable
That he is looking for reassurance that what he is doing is okay, that he as a person is okay. That he matters and that what he does matters, that his needs and feelings matter. Empathy on the confusion about the teachers words, on my words. Needing clarity: That I was really trying to empower him with my help, to help him tackle such questions with ease a next time. Needing to know, needing the assurance that it is not the right or the wrong that I am seeing but that I am wanting to give clarity where there is confusion. I really don't care whether he has only one mistakes or made 100 mistakes, he stays the same beautiful Emre, his notes are just what they are, some numbers on a paper. Maybe he needs security that he is still precious to me no matter what he says or does.
Maybe he also needs acceptance for his anger, that it is the only way he knows right now to express himself, the best he can think of to meet his needs (of security, mattering, assurance and empathy.......)
I think that I am going to write these empathy guesses on a piece of paper and hang that on the fridge. And whenever taking something from the fridge I will see that note. Whenever I am cooking I will see that note. And whenever I feel I am getting lost in my judgments about him and run to the kitchen to cool down I will see and read that note.
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