Emre had a schooltest. He became first of his class. He made one mistake, mixed up east and west. I was a bit surprised about that as one of his favorite toys is a compass. I asked him about it, wanting to help him if he had a hard time remembering what is where. Our short conversation ended with him shouting: I was number one in the class, isn't that enough for you?
I have a lot of difficulties in connecting with my son. My "good intentions" are often received with defense or attack. And then I in turn have a hard time to stay connected, to keep seeing a boy who is desperately trying to meet his needs. I want to connect and help him and interpret his defense or attack as rejection.
But after this last conversation I managed to break through that cycle for a couple of minutes. And that was enough to make me curious. What I saw on that moment was a boy who was confused by his teachers' explanation when she used the left hand for west and the right hand for east. The compass in the test was upside down so left hand equals west was not accurate in this picture. I saw that he was in fact frustrated and confused that he did try it the way the teacher described and that it turned out to be the wrong answer! I also realized that beneath his angry and hostile words lies fear and hurt. That his behavior is only a way to mask how he really feels!
Taking a deep breath I am about to try to find out about the needs of my boy. I have to take a deep breath because the words that he uses make me feel sad, helpless, powerless and frustrated. I do SO much my best to make them feel loved and happy. I give him a lot of computer time (food for another blog!) and when I ask him to close it he says: you never let me play or I am never able to finish a game... I find myself in a place where I always do it wrong. And it looks like all those feelings of sadness, frustration, powerlessness and helplessness get automatically translated to HURT which opens the doors for all my Jackals ^-^: he should be thankful for what he has! why doesn't he see he can play so much, much more then other kids, why can't he just close that computer without nagging for once, he is such a whiner. And from there it is so hard to not listen to those Jackals, the feeling of being right feels so right. And it is so painful that I even start writing about it when I had the intention to write empathy for my son! Which means that I cannot go to him until I gave myself empathy. Oh, how I am longing for the moment where he would say that he sees and appreciates all my efforts in trying to help them to find their way in this world. Now I am getting somewhere: because the world is a big and scary place for me where I my words always get interpreted wrong! Yes, I am so afraid that they are not able to cope with the world once they grow up and I am desperately trying to make them see and work on their "problem" behavior. Because I am not able to control those "problem" behaviors myself after being in this world for 42 years! And those behaviors are exactly the ones that get me into trouble all the time, make me loose my control and do and say things I regret later. In the heat of the moment I say things like: they are wrong, or look how they interpret my words in the wrong way, they are doing this to me. And hearing my son say the same is so frightening.
Jackal starts interrupting here saying that I really did a great job messing up my son, what a teacher I am! Oh yes, scared I ruined him for life. He took my behavior as an example. But then I see my other boy who is not like that at all. And I can give myself a bit compassion: I am doing the best I can, look I am doing my best to transform it! And from that comes the balm: So you can just continue being his teacher by showing him your transformation. If he really learned it from you, he will unlearn it with you.
That feels empowering, that he can unlearn it with me. That we both have the choice to look at it in a different way.
Somehow I just feel like wanting to explore Emre's needs now, I am making progress!
I wonder if he is not just like me just stuck in his reactions... automatic response to whatever looks like it is going to make him feel uncomfortable
That he is looking for reassurance that what he is doing is okay, that he as a person is okay. That he matters and that what he does matters, that his needs and feelings matter. Empathy on the confusion about the teachers words, on my words. Needing clarity: That I was really trying to empower him with my help, to help him tackle such questions with ease a next time. Needing to know, needing the assurance that it is not the right or the wrong that I am seeing but that I am wanting to give clarity where there is confusion. I really don't care whether he has only one mistakes or made 100 mistakes, he stays the same beautiful Emre, his notes are just what they are, some numbers on a paper. Maybe he needs security that he is still precious to me no matter what he says or does.
Maybe he also needs acceptance for his anger, that it is the only way he knows right now to express himself, the best he can think of to meet his needs (of security, mattering, assurance and empathy.......)
I think that I am going to write these empathy guesses on a piece of paper and hang that on the fridge. And whenever taking something from the fridge I will see that note. Whenever I am cooking I will see that note. And whenever I feel I am getting lost in my judgments about him and run to the kitchen to cool down I will see and read that note.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
breaking the cycle
If someone sees a judgment of me, he can't see the real me. And no matter how much I try to talk, it won't help because he sees the judgement. and i can't see the other person through the judgments i have of him.
And i have a hard time seeing the real Oldest Son because of my expectations, judgments and shoulds. He should not start playing when we get ready for school........ He tells me I am not giving him time to play in the morning, it's eat your breakfast, put your clothings on but never why don't you play and have fun. Now I am doing my best to make it easy for them, using jokes, music and sweetness when waking them, let them watch cartoons while getting ready, help them get dressed. But he does not see that. And he should! And my list of judgments and labels makes it almost impossible for me to see my dear son, I see a nagging, selfish person, a stubborn person and a unthankful person, while my son sees a demanding, nagging mother trying to push him to school.
There are days when nothing seems right, shoes are too tight, buttons don't close, kids that walk in front of him while walking to school, too cold, too warm me holding his hand too tight, too loose.............And it is all to blame on me! On those days i have a hard time to see through the labels and judgments and I do loose my cool every now and then. But then, as soon as they go through the gate I feel such a deep sadness and pain. Was this really necessary nags Jackal on such days, didn't you remember: this too shall pass?
Today was one of those days. I am sitting here sad and a bit confused. How come he does not see what I am doing, that I am really doing my best to make it easy on them? There is also anger, because whatever happens he blames on me. Last night he wanted to finish his book and slept late, this morning he had a hard time waking up. And he missed the beginning of his favorite cartoon. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier? Because of you I missed the beginning of the cartoon" he shouts at me.......... And I reacted as I was taught, with defense and this was the beginning of our first argument.
I realize now, while writing this down, that my answer did not really help any of us. I realize I felt irritation and frustration
because you couldn't win ^_^ (Jackal blows a kiss)
........ well, yes.... I actually felt powerless and clueless not knowing how to continue. This is quite a realization. I always stick to the irritated and frustrated because I need appreciation and even if that is true, I keep getting stuck in the heat of the moment. Oldest Son and me are like two goats with the horns stuck. And me, big mother goat all up in judgmentland, not wanting to take on step back because I want him to see that he is himself responsible for going to sleep early so he will be able to wake up in time to see his favorite cartoon and that I am trying to help him with that. Actually I want him to stop blaming what happened on others (mostly me) and take responsibility for his own actions. I want to label him as always seeing the glass as half empty, as a whiner and as a blamer. And this is why I cannot see my son anymore, I loose myself in labeling and judging.
So now without judgment: What I mean is (deep breath, get ready for the observation): when something happens that he does not like he gets very frustrated. And when he gets frustrated he uses a strategy of telling others what they did wrong and how bad everything is and that strategy makes me feel very very powerless and frustrated. Because I want him to be able to see the glass as half full, to see the beauty even when there are thorns and bumps on the road. Because I have a problem with people who tend to focus on the negative. I don't like being around people who complain and blame everything that happens on others.
So here is the real problem, my old life rule nr 1: just keep on struggling and show them how strong you are and do not complain and don't ask for help! This has been a rule I have been holding on for dear life for years and years. And I see how hard it is to let go of it. Used as a strategy for acceptance, for being seen, for mattering and for appreciation but it also made me feel very unhappy, lonely and desperate. And feeling even more desperate when I saw how it isolated me from others, and angry because I was struggling along without complaining and look at them, they just sat there and complained and complained not trying to change anything at all. Oh, it made me furious, I was doing so much my best and had to pay such a high price for it. And I can actually still feel that frustration and isolation. The strategy became me.
And now this little monkey of almost 9 is dong so much his best to make me aware of that strategy, that it is still there, very much alive and that it needs to be listened to. I thought I changed, that I wasn't that demanding of myself anymore and that I finally started to ask for help every now and then. But the judgments about complaining are still very much alive. And in return me judging myself for thinking so harsh about people, that I should have more compassion. And I think that the antidote to that is empathy. As through empathy I am able to see what is alive in the other person and in me, to see the needs behind the behavior. And for that I have to break through that cycle of jumping into judgment whenever I hear a complaint and give empathy. Sure my little teachers are more then willing to give me plenty of exercises on that!
And i have a hard time seeing the real Oldest Son because of my expectations, judgments and shoulds. He should not start playing when we get ready for school........ He tells me I am not giving him time to play in the morning, it's eat your breakfast, put your clothings on but never why don't you play and have fun. Now I am doing my best to make it easy for them, using jokes, music and sweetness when waking them, let them watch cartoons while getting ready, help them get dressed. But he does not see that. And he should! And my list of judgments and labels makes it almost impossible for me to see my dear son, I see a nagging, selfish person, a stubborn person and a unthankful person, while my son sees a demanding, nagging mother trying to push him to school.
There are days when nothing seems right, shoes are too tight, buttons don't close, kids that walk in front of him while walking to school, too cold, too warm me holding his hand too tight, too loose.............And it is all to blame on me! On those days i have a hard time to see through the labels and judgments and I do loose my cool every now and then. But then, as soon as they go through the gate I feel such a deep sadness and pain. Was this really necessary nags Jackal on such days, didn't you remember: this too shall pass?
Today was one of those days. I am sitting here sad and a bit confused. How come he does not see what I am doing, that I am really doing my best to make it easy on them? There is also anger, because whatever happens he blames on me. Last night he wanted to finish his book and slept late, this morning he had a hard time waking up. And he missed the beginning of his favorite cartoon. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier? Because of you I missed the beginning of the cartoon" he shouts at me.......... And I reacted as I was taught, with defense and this was the beginning of our first argument.
I realize now, while writing this down, that my answer did not really help any of us. I realize I felt irritation and frustration
because you couldn't win ^_^ (Jackal blows a kiss)
........ well, yes.... I actually felt powerless and clueless not knowing how to continue. This is quite a realization. I always stick to the irritated and frustrated because I need appreciation and even if that is true, I keep getting stuck in the heat of the moment. Oldest Son and me are like two goats with the horns stuck. And me, big mother goat all up in judgmentland, not wanting to take on step back because I want him to see that he is himself responsible for going to sleep early so he will be able to wake up in time to see his favorite cartoon and that I am trying to help him with that. Actually I want him to stop blaming what happened on others (mostly me) and take responsibility for his own actions. I want to label him as always seeing the glass as half empty, as a whiner and as a blamer. And this is why I cannot see my son anymore, I loose myself in labeling and judging.
So now without judgment: What I mean is (deep breath, get ready for the observation): when something happens that he does not like he gets very frustrated. And when he gets frustrated he uses a strategy of telling others what they did wrong and how bad everything is and that strategy makes me feel very very powerless and frustrated. Because I want him to be able to see the glass as half full, to see the beauty even when there are thorns and bumps on the road. Because I have a problem with people who tend to focus on the negative. I don't like being around people who complain and blame everything that happens on others.
So here is the real problem, my old life rule nr 1: just keep on struggling and show them how strong you are and do not complain and don't ask for help! This has been a rule I have been holding on for dear life for years and years. And I see how hard it is to let go of it. Used as a strategy for acceptance, for being seen, for mattering and for appreciation but it also made me feel very unhappy, lonely and desperate. And feeling even more desperate when I saw how it isolated me from others, and angry because I was struggling along without complaining and look at them, they just sat there and complained and complained not trying to change anything at all. Oh, it made me furious, I was doing so much my best and had to pay such a high price for it. And I can actually still feel that frustration and isolation. The strategy became me.
And now this little monkey of almost 9 is dong so much his best to make me aware of that strategy, that it is still there, very much alive and that it needs to be listened to. I thought I changed, that I wasn't that demanding of myself anymore and that I finally started to ask for help every now and then. But the judgments about complaining are still very much alive. And in return me judging myself for thinking so harsh about people, that I should have more compassion. And I think that the antidote to that is empathy. As through empathy I am able to see what is alive in the other person and in me, to see the needs behind the behavior. And for that I have to break through that cycle of jumping into judgment whenever I hear a complaint and give empathy. Sure my little teachers are more then willing to give me plenty of exercises on that!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Lessons of Eckhart Tolle and Lemonade
I am following the web event of the book A new earth of Eckhart Tolle with Oprah. This morning I heard him say:
"And that I call "conscious suffering," where, suddenly, the inner resistance is not there anymore. And when you go into conscious suffering and say, "This is fine, I say yes to this. Even the most unacceptable situation, if there's nothing I can do about it, I bring a yes to it."
At that moment, the ego dies. And at that moment, the divine comes through. And the very thing that was the worst thing that could ever happen to you when you bring surrender to it, becomes an opening into the divine. "
and I was just going through a HUGE dilemma whether to bring lemonade to the kids during their midday break or not...... Because if I do, lill' one of 6 will most probably have to pee while still in school and there I get restless and scared. What if he doesnt manage to keep his pants up (at home he just drops his pants, but in school the toilet floor is so dirty), what if the teacher does not let him or if he is afraid to ask (he did pee in his pants a couple of months ago)...... and on that moment when I heard Eckhart Tolle say those words I realized my suffering. But how do I, like Eckhart says, bring a yes to it?
I so much want to protect my kids from any kind of suffering, and if they suffer I suffer with them. The worst moment in my motherhood so far was an event in the hospital. It was very traumatic for all of us, not only Timucin, who suffered the pain but also for the father who was holding him, me, the mother who was just sitting there listening to the crying of my dear dear son in pain, not being able to do anything to stop the doctor, holding a crying Emre while tears were pouring down my face. I still feel desperate and so much guilt when I think back of it. I was not able to protect my child. I carry already for 2 years that guilt on my shoulders, and it does not seem to get any less. And each and every event of them suffering and me not able to prevent it adds to that burden.
My suffering over my kids suffering. How clearly I see right now that it leads nowhere, it really has no function but to make me feel miserable and powerless. Because I cannot prevent my kids from suffering. But somehow I think I should. Because if I could prevent it, I would be at ease, ah, the wellbeing of my kids.
Is it the well being of my kids that I have certain thoughts and ideas attached to? Am I responsible in my eyes for the well being of my kids? I would love to answer that with YES! I would love to be in control over the well being of my kids..... Just imagine, having control over their happiness, being able to influence their lives in such a way that they will always feel good! I want them to be happy, to become happy persons.
So here is my need to contribute to their happiness. But there is also this wanting to be able to control that happiness. And that makes me feel desperate and helpless because many times I cannot. So I want to control something that I can't. Which brings fear in every situation where I am not able to control the outcome. So here I understand why for one, I have such a hard time leaving my kids at the gate of the school every day, for I fear what may happen to them. I am afraid for their suffering. But that is something I cannot prevent. They will suffer, it is part of life.
What about my suffering? Okay, many times I did not see the point of it at the moment of suffering, but I did learn a lot of it. And now I try to see every suffering as an opportunity to grow. And I did come to see that everything that happened in my life has given shape to who I am today. And I do not want to be any different from what I am! I enjoy being me!
Acceptance! Yes! To accept that suffering IS a part of the life of my dearest kids. To accept that there is no need to protect them from everything, that in doing so I would stand in the way of important lessons to learn.
Feeling a bit better, but I am still not completely there. Even if I do see the necessity of suffering, and accept it as an important and even precious part of my life I am still afraid of the suffering of my kids. What if they are not ready for it, what if it will hurt them, scar them for life? I really would like to be sure and to TRUST that they are able, capable and strong enough to face the difficulties in their life. To trust and to have faith in their ability to use and to learn from what they are going through to become the great being there are destined to be.
I see that I can do so much to contribute here, that I am able to help them to get a proper toolbox, filled with all kinds of equipment that can help them in difficult times. And that I can be there for them, to offer them empathy or to just be there for them, with them if they go through a difficult time. That each time when I am there for them, I will actively help them in their suffering. To just stand with them when they suffer, that I am there to help them to get through it, to come out of it greater and stronger. Now I can see that suffering does not have to be for them what it was for me!
And the event in the hospital? It is still painful, but not in the desperate way anymore. Because now see that I learned from it, I grew from it. How come I did not see this before? It was that event that empowered me to stand up against doctors in the hospital, I refused to have certain tests done on my son without knowing exactly what it was for, and I removed the cast of my sons broken arm myself as it was too traumatic for him to have it done in the hospital again(yes, the traumatic event I mentioned about). I learned the important lesson that a doctor does not always have to be right, to just trust my gut feeling. So whenever this event pops up in my mind, I can just redirect myself to the important lessons that I learned from it, so I will feel empowered instead for my need for PURPOSE and MEANING are nourished with it.
"And that I call "conscious suffering," where, suddenly, the inner resistance is not there anymore. And when you go into conscious suffering and say, "This is fine, I say yes to this. Even the most unacceptable situation, if there's nothing I can do about it, I bring a yes to it."
At that moment, the ego dies. And at that moment, the divine comes through. And the very thing that was the worst thing that could ever happen to you when you bring surrender to it, becomes an opening into the divine. "
and I was just going through a HUGE dilemma whether to bring lemonade to the kids during their midday break or not...... Because if I do, lill' one of 6 will most probably have to pee while still in school and there I get restless and scared. What if he doesnt manage to keep his pants up (at home he just drops his pants, but in school the toilet floor is so dirty), what if the teacher does not let him or if he is afraid to ask (he did pee in his pants a couple of months ago)...... and on that moment when I heard Eckhart Tolle say those words I realized my suffering. But how do I, like Eckhart says, bring a yes to it?
I so much want to protect my kids from any kind of suffering, and if they suffer I suffer with them. The worst moment in my motherhood so far was an event in the hospital. It was very traumatic for all of us, not only Timucin, who suffered the pain but also for the father who was holding him, me, the mother who was just sitting there listening to the crying of my dear dear son in pain, not being able to do anything to stop the doctor, holding a crying Emre while tears were pouring down my face. I still feel desperate and so much guilt when I think back of it. I was not able to protect my child. I carry already for 2 years that guilt on my shoulders, and it does not seem to get any less. And each and every event of them suffering and me not able to prevent it adds to that burden.
My suffering over my kids suffering. How clearly I see right now that it leads nowhere, it really has no function but to make me feel miserable and powerless. Because I cannot prevent my kids from suffering. But somehow I think I should. Because if I could prevent it, I would be at ease, ah, the wellbeing of my kids.
Is it the well being of my kids that I have certain thoughts and ideas attached to? Am I responsible in my eyes for the well being of my kids? I would love to answer that with YES! I would love to be in control over the well being of my kids..... Just imagine, having control over their happiness, being able to influence their lives in such a way that they will always feel good! I want them to be happy, to become happy persons.
So here is my need to contribute to their happiness. But there is also this wanting to be able to control that happiness. And that makes me feel desperate and helpless because many times I cannot. So I want to control something that I can't. Which brings fear in every situation where I am not able to control the outcome. So here I understand why for one, I have such a hard time leaving my kids at the gate of the school every day, for I fear what may happen to them. I am afraid for their suffering. But that is something I cannot prevent. They will suffer, it is part of life.
What about my suffering? Okay, many times I did not see the point of it at the moment of suffering, but I did learn a lot of it. And now I try to see every suffering as an opportunity to grow. And I did come to see that everything that happened in my life has given shape to who I am today. And I do not want to be any different from what I am! I enjoy being me!
Acceptance! Yes! To accept that suffering IS a part of the life of my dearest kids. To accept that there is no need to protect them from everything, that in doing so I would stand in the way of important lessons to learn.
Feeling a bit better, but I am still not completely there. Even if I do see the necessity of suffering, and accept it as an important and even precious part of my life I am still afraid of the suffering of my kids. What if they are not ready for it, what if it will hurt them, scar them for life? I really would like to be sure and to TRUST that they are able, capable and strong enough to face the difficulties in their life. To trust and to have faith in their ability to use and to learn from what they are going through to become the great being there are destined to be.
I see that I can do so much to contribute here, that I am able to help them to get a proper toolbox, filled with all kinds of equipment that can help them in difficult times. And that I can be there for them, to offer them empathy or to just be there for them, with them if they go through a difficult time. That each time when I am there for them, I will actively help them in their suffering. To just stand with them when they suffer, that I am there to help them to get through it, to come out of it greater and stronger. Now I can see that suffering does not have to be for them what it was for me!
And the event in the hospital? It is still painful, but not in the desperate way anymore. Because now see that I learned from it, I grew from it. How come I did not see this before? It was that event that empowered me to stand up against doctors in the hospital, I refused to have certain tests done on my son without knowing exactly what it was for, and I removed the cast of my sons broken arm myself as it was too traumatic for him to have it done in the hospital again(yes, the traumatic event I mentioned about). I learned the important lesson that a doctor does not always have to be right, to just trust my gut feeling. So whenever this event pops up in my mind, I can just redirect myself to the important lessons that I learned from it, so I will feel empowered instead for my need for PURPOSE and MEANING are nourished with it.
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