breaking the cycle

If someone sees a judgment of me, he can't see the real me. And no matter how much I try to talk, it won't help because he sees the judgement. and i can't see the other person through the judgments i have of him.

And i have a hard time seeing the real Oldest Son because of my expectations, judgments and shoulds. He should not start playing when we get ready for school........ He tells me I am not giving him time to play in the morning, it's eat your breakfast, put your clothings on but never why don't you play and have fun. Now I am doing my best to make it easy for them, using jokes, music and sweetness when waking them, let them watch cartoons while getting ready, help them get dressed. But he does not see that. And he should! And my list of judgments and labels makes it almost impossible for me to see my dear son, I see a nagging, selfish person, a stubborn person and a unthankful person, while my son sees a demanding, nagging mother trying to push him to school.

There are days when nothing seems right, shoes are too tight, buttons don't close, kids that walk in front of him while walking to school, too cold, too warm me holding his hand too tight, too loose.............And it is all to blame on me! On those days i have a hard time to see through the labels and judgments and I do loose my cool every now and then. But then, as soon as they go through the gate I feel such a deep sadness and pain. Was this really necessary nags Jackal on such days, didn't you remember: this too shall pass?

Today was one of those days. I am sitting here sad and a bit confused. How come he does not see what I am doing, that I am really doing my best to make it easy on them? There is also anger, because whatever happens he blames on me. Last night he wanted to finish his book and slept late, this morning he had a hard time waking up. And he missed the beginning of his favorite cartoon. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier? Because of you I missed the beginning of the cartoon" he shouts at me.......... And I reacted as I was taught, with defense and this was the beginning of our first argument.

I realize now, while writing this down, that my answer did not really help any of us. I realize I felt irritation and frustration

because you couldn't win ^_^ (Jackal blows a kiss)

........ well, yes.... I actually felt powerless and clueless not knowing how to continue. This is quite a realization. I always stick to the irritated and frustrated because I need appreciation and even if that is true, I keep getting stuck in the heat of the moment. Oldest Son and me are like two goats with the horns stuck. And me, big mother goat all up in judgmentland, not wanting to take on step back because I want him to see that he is himself responsible for going to sleep early so he will be able to wake up in time to see his favorite cartoon and that I am trying to help him with that. Actually I want him to stop blaming what happened on others (mostly me) and take responsibility for his own actions. I want to label him as always seeing the glass as half empty, as a whiner and as a blamer. And this is why I cannot see my son anymore, I loose myself in labeling and judging.
So now without judgment: What I mean is (deep breath, get ready for the observation): when something happens that he does not like he gets very frustrated. And when he gets frustrated he uses a strategy of telling others what they did wrong and how bad everything is and that strategy makes me feel very very powerless and frustrated. Because I want him to be able to see the glass as half full, to see the beauty even when there are thorns and bumps on the road. Because I have a problem with people who tend to focus on the negative. I don't like being around people who complain and blame everything that happens on others.

So here is the real problem, my old life rule nr 1: just keep on struggling and show them how strong you are and do not complain and don't ask for help! This has been a rule I have been holding on for dear life for years and years. And I see how hard it is to let go of it. Used as a strategy for acceptance, for being seen, for mattering and for appreciation but it also made me feel very unhappy, lonely and desperate. And feeling even more desperate when I saw how it isolated me from others, and angry because I was struggling along without complaining and look at them, they just sat there and complained and complained not trying to change anything at all. Oh, it made me furious, I was doing so much my best and had to pay such a high price for it. And I can actually still feel that frustration and isolation. The strategy became me.

And now this little monkey of almost 9 is dong so much his best to make me aware of that strategy, that it is still there, very much alive and that it needs to be listened to. I thought I changed, that I wasn't that demanding of myself anymore and that I finally started to ask for help every now and then. But the judgments about complaining are still very much alive. And in return me judging myself for thinking so harsh about people, that I should have more compassion. And I think that the antidote to that is empathy. As through empathy I am able to see what is alive in the other person and in me, to see the needs behind the behavior. And for that I have to break through that cycle of jumping into judgment whenever I hear a complaint and give empathy. Sure my little teachers are more then willing to give me plenty of exercises on that!